I suppose some think that to tell a story you need to invent it first.  It simply isn’t true.  Life will do it for you.  In a pinch, the life of others will work too.

“Where in the world did this idea of providing unconditional love come from?  Can anyone tell me?  This is how parents think they are to raise their children of late.  How has it become so widespread?

Has anyone ever asked themselves if this is something we, as human beings, can even provide in the first place?  Have we asked ourselves if it is really in our best interest to tell those we care about, ‘You can do whatever you want.  I will still love you.’?

When I think of a generation being raised with this mindset, I’ll be honest.  It scares the hell out of me.  I worry that despite everyone’s best intentions, it can be crippling.

There was a teen girl hospitalized in a mental health unit.  She refused to communicate with anyone.  A team of doctors oversaw her treatment, and each day, at the appointed time, they would go in and try to make her talk.  It was as though they could make a bean grow by pulling on it.

This approach yielded the predicted results.  The more they tried to make her talk, the more she resisted.  Eventually a new team became involved.  The woman heading this one up knew something about systems thinking.

She decided no one was to try and make the girl talk at all.  Instead someone would go in, an hour each day, and simply be present with her.  If the girl wanted to sit there in silence, they would sit there in silence, but they would remain present.

They persisted in this line of action for several weeks.  The mental health professional would sit attentively in a chair.  The girl would sit with her head down, arms crossed, and closed off.

Finally one day the girl rose her head, looked across the table, and exasperatedly asked ‘What?’

With little reaction came a simple response.  ‘What are your goals?’

‘Pfffft,’ with a roll of the eyes.  Head went down, arms crossed, and the session ended.  A week later she again asked, ‘What?’  Same exchange.

By asking the question, they began an internal dialog within the patient.  What are my goals?  What do I need to do?  What am I trying to accomplish?

They didn’t provide those answers.  We never help by doing for someone what they could do for themselves.  They also didn’t wash their hands of her.

Some therapy today is awash in delving into and swimming around in emotion.  It is as though a good therapy session is one in which we cry in.  It may feel wonderful at the time.  The question is does it help?

Focusing on goals introduces the idea that the best way to sail through life’s rocky seas is to chart our own life course.  We can do this by using and gathering the best information we can get our hands on.  We can do this by trying our best to recognize the anxiety life and our relationships generate for what it truly is:  energy.  Energy we can use to get there.

This is the path that teen girl was able to take.  No one wrote her off.  No one promised unconditional love.  In not telling her what to do, which includes telling her she didn’t need to do anything, they respected the dignity of the person.

In our own lives it must take a lifetime to make sense of it all.  I guess it is up to each of you.